Eurovision 2019 semi-finals told from the perspective of a Eurovision virgin

So we have our first semi-final in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest and what better way to celebrate another year of the thing by making someone watch it that has never experienced the glory that is Eurovision?

Oh, hi, that would be me.

Here at we celebrate everything that is awesome but just sometimes there is one who is yet to, so I’m told, truly live.

I’ve heard about it, seen images, I know what a Netta is – but have I watched a performance the whole way through? I am ashamed to say, I have not.

Better late than never.

Even worse, we’re not off to a good start, tuning into BBC One instead of BBC Four – but now we’re off to a cracking viewing party as last year’s winner Netta took to the stage to open proceedings.

And she’s doing those chicken moves I read so much about last year.

I mean I know this isn’t even a competition song this year but Is this what it takes to win Eurovision? Can’t deny the thing is ruddy catchy though. And wow, pipes.

Side note: Is that Rylan? Psyche, I knew that, because we wrote about it.

Anyway, to the performances – I’m expecting weird! SHOW ME WEIRD.

First up, Cyprus

Not sure what’s so weird about this one. Tamta takes to the stage for Cyprus with song Replay and the only thing out of order is the wet hair.

Couldn’t someone get this poor woman a hairdryer before she took to the stage in front of millions?

I am happy it took this thing approximately one song to unleash the bondage gear and nipples.

Not appropriate for Instagram but anything goes for Eurovision I suppose.


I take it this song is called Falling because it’s every second word this so-called S Club 6-copycat sings. I mean, we’ve got smart suits, meaningful lyrics, smiles a’plenty.

Oh, it’s called Heaven. That’s a record rip.

Anyway, I get the feeling they’re easing me in. Is Eurovision scared I’ll be turned off if they unleash way too much onto my senses before the first break?

So far, it’s just….cute?

Apart from the aforementioned nipples and bondage.



He has to play Sandstorm. I may be a Eurovision virgin but I ruddy know a Darude when I see one.

I’m disappointed costumes consist of a very safe leather jacket for Sebastian Remjen and not much else. This new Darude is way too calm and refined.



Thank you! This is what I’m talking about – four women singing at high pitch, wearing red veils and then rocking some interesting hand gestures and dances.

I have no idea what they’re saying, but I’m here for it.

Those skirts will also definitely be in H+M by next week. With my name on them.


These two are children, right?

Needs more sparkles. Add some glitter. Do something weird, please, for the love of Rylan, do something weird.

Rylan summed up my thoughts pretty well as he said in a monotone: ‘Well done, darlin’s.’

Czech Republic

Well isn’t this ruddy catchy? Not sure I rate this interesting cockney aside the singer put in there. But my toes are tapping.

Their jumpers are all kinds of Wiggles brilliance and honestly I’d listen to this song in, like, my normal life. When I’m not here, living on the internet.

BRB just streaming this, everyone else can go home.

Hold up, there are still 11 left to go?! I’m not going to lie, Rylan’s sassy quips are winning this for me.


Like, he’s talented. But is this Eurovision?

Ha, I wouldn’t know. Guess I’m going to have to weather ballads to make it to the quirky, gooey middle.

Who am I kidding, ballads totally rock this competition, right? I know Conchita. She ruddy rose like a Phoenix with a powerful song, didn’t she?


Finally I get a taste of pyrotechnics with this pop banger from Zeta and I’m not bad about it.

She sort of reminds me of Stacie Orrico (you know, the pop star that sand 2003 banger Stuck) when I close my eyes. Just me?


Nevena Bozovic took to the stage afterwards and slowed things down a little with a delightful acoustic song.

Not going to lie, the cuff’s she’s sporting look hardcore and the kind that really cut off your circulation. But I’m here for the passion in the tune.

What a crescendo!


Apparently this kid is known as ‘Eurovision guy’. So give me Eurovision, guy.

Look, I’m not sure if I got into my own head about this being a lot more quirky, and I’m loving the synth, don’t get me wrong.

Oh hang on, are they giant drums? Finally, some massive instruments. I don’t even care if they’re not *actually* being played.

The crowd is loving it, too – unison clapping? This is the spirit.


Yes with the manbun!

This ticks so many of my expectation boxes:

  • Manbun.
  • Overzealous synth.
  • Dramatic snare drum.

Screaming lyrics with a passion not seen since Adrien Brody pashed Halle Berry at the Oscars.


Hold up, Australia has brought the most Eurovision performance yet and they’re not even in Europe – what are you playing at competition?

Full disclosure, I’m Australian – so what did I expect? We’re awesome.

Side note, Kate Miller-Heidke has with her giant spiky headpiece, fairy godmother dress, her operatic chops, THE FACT SHE’S FLYING.

Could Australia win this thing? If I’m judging it, taking away my ties to the motherland, yes!

I’m officially loving Eurovision. Dude.

Side note: I’ve only just realised Bar Rafeli is a host. I’ll get with it soon.



  • Screamo.
  • Leather bondage.
  • A flippin’ cage.
  • Terrifying dungeon trance.

When I decided to pop my Eurovision cherry this is exactly what I was expecting. And it’ll haunt my dreams and very being for days to come.

Someone get this guy a Strepsils lozenge, stat.


Victor Crone has a guitar and he’s not afraid to use it.

I wonder how he feels going onto the stage after someone literally rolled around in bondage gear while a man screamed into the microphone?


This is intense. Conan Osiris is the reason everyone will be wearing plastic beards tomorrow. Thanks, mate.

The outfit is fierce AF. I have whiplash, from screaming to acoustic sweetness now plastic beards.

It’s like high intensity interval singing. HIIS, if you will.

He’s giving me serious Jonathan Van Ness vibes, and his dancer is working overtime with some Eurovision pointe.

The crowd loved the bondage more, though.


Katerine is singing Better Love and I better love it. The fencing swords are a nice touch.

Much like Australia, Greece have bought it in the angelic outfit stakes.

San Marino

Wasn’t Rodrigo Alves meant to be singing for San Marino? Who is this guy?

I mean, this guy, apparently called Serhat, is brilliant and I like how they’ve basically turned it into a karaoke gig with the lyrics projected onto the screen.

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