Mel B’s book Brutally Honest is coming out soon, and she and the publishers are selling it like a Mary Kay saleswoman circa 1987 who is just 50 Magic Masques away from getting that pink Cadillac. They’re releasing excerpts from her book that are a mixture of disturbing and ESCANDALOSO like how she snorted six lines of coke a day during The X Factor and was left traumatized after having to watch the dozens of illegal sex tapes her smegma bubble of an ex-husband made without her consent. But the story that made me stop, drop, and roll was the one about how Mel B supposedly met up with two famous dudes after meeting them on a secret hookup website where single famous men allegedly post dick pics.
So Scary Spice is telling me that somewhere on the internet exists a place where there’s picture after picture of a hard dick of a celebrity and the celebrity posts it himself? Does the site’s intro page look like this?
In the piece from Mel’s book that The Sun posted, she writes that after 10 years of getting on the same dick, a gay friend (WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A GAY FRIEND? And yes that question came from a peen-obsessed gay) told her that she needed to put her freshly single cooze back out there and drown her sorrows with some peen. Mel wasn’t interested in dating or getting a boyfriend, and writes that she couldn’t go to a bar to get some man ass. So another gay friend (AGAIN, WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A GAY FRIEND?) showed her a spectacular paradise of peen where she could choose from a line-up of dick, and you could figure out its size thanks to the signature move of Tinder douches: the “compare the dick to a remote control” thing. But these guys were apparently comparing theirs to milk cartons. You know Jon Hamm wasn’t on that site, because he would’ve had to compare his to a milk truck.
I was in Soho House on a night out with a couple of girlfriends when the images came through.
Erect privates were lined up against a milk or juice carton so you could gauge the size.
I shut my laptop. Then, obviously, opened it again. We spent the next few hours laughing and gawping. I called my friend and said: “Now what?”
“You choose one and I will make a discreet introduction,” he answered.
Mel says she met up with two famous dudes, and left with nothing but a frowny vagina.
A few days later, I met him (young, handsome, very famous) in a hotel room. It was horribly awkward and nothing happened (it was obviously easier with a milk carton).
I tried again with another famous penis in another hotel room. Same result. Aaarghhhh.
Mortifying. I’d have had better luck in Leeds with a builder. I gave up on famous penises and had a few encounters with normal, regular guys. Way better.
Mel B supposedly hooked up with Zac Efron in 2017 after meeting him on a celebrity dating app, so he’s probably one of the dudes she’s talking about. But you know Zac compared his dick to a bronzer stick.
I’m more interested in this celebrity dick wonderland, though. There’s supposedly a database of celebrity dude crotch rods on the internet and hackers haven’t broke into it yet and given us DickiLeaks? Hmm… I know that Mel’s coke binge days were during her time on The X Factor in 2014, but are we sure she didn’t nose-dabble in the white stuff after her divorce a little, and her dealer accidentally gave her a batch laced with LSD? And the awkward, disappointing non-sex date she had with a celebrity with a milk carton dick was actually an awkward, disappointing non-sex date with an actual milk carton?
But still, I want to believe! I want to believe!
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