As you may have heard, Moby has a new memoir out.
And for some reason, it seems the EDM artist/mostly forgotten ’90s relic has decided to reveal to all the world that he totally lives up to the phallic last name of his eponymous whale.
In the book, Moby claims that he dated Natalie Portman for a short time in the ’90s.
Of course, the problem with passing off fan fiction as factual memoir is that it’s easy for others to expose your BS.
And that’s exactly what Portman did when she learned that the 53-year-old DJ or whatever claimed to have slept with her.
“I was a bald binge drinker and Natalie Portman was a beautiful movie star,” he wrote. “But here she was in my dressing room, flirting with me.”
As though that premise weren’t ridiculous enough, from there, Moby claims that after “a few weeks” of dating, he became concerned that he would have to dump Portman.
“I thought that I was going to have to tell her that my panic was too egregious for me to be in a real relationship, but one night on the phone she informed me that she’d met somebody else,” he recalled.
“I was relieved that I’d never have to tell her how damaged I was.”
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Portman promptly denied the allegations and claimed that Moby misrepresented both her age and the nature of their relationship.
“I was surprised to hear that he characterized the very short time that I knew him as dating because my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school,” she told Harper’s Bazaar.
“He said I was 20; I definitely wasn’t. I was a teenager. I had just turned 18.”
At that point, Moby dug himself a deeper hole, by basically clapping back with “No, we totally dated and here’s a 20-year-old photo as proof.”
“I recently read a gossip piece wherein Natalie Portman said that we’d never dated,” he wrote.
“This confused me, as we did, in fact, date. And after briefly dating in 1999 we remained friends for years.
“I like Natalie, and I respect her intelligence and activism. But, to be honest, I can’t figure out why she would actively misrepresent the truth about our (albeit brief) involvement,” Moby added.
“The story as laid out in my book Then It Fell Apart is accurate, with lots of corroborating photo evidence, etc.”
“P.S. I completely respect Natalie’s possible regret in dating me (to be fair, I would probably regret dating me, too), but it doesn’t alter the actual facts of our brief romantic history.”
Yes, homie actually denied being a creep and then hit us with the “corroborating photo evidence” line.
He further covered his tracks by posting a meme declaring that anyone who criticizes him is just bitter hater troll.
So bold. So brave.
This whole mess has led some folks to take drastic action and actually read Moby’s book in search of further creepiness.
And they quickly found it in the form of a skeevy anecdote in which our fearless protagonist hooks up with an up-and-coming Lana Del Rey.
“We’d kissed at the bar at 4 a.m., just as the place was closing, and I’d asked her to come home with me. She’d smiled and said no, she wouldn’t go home with me after just meeting me, but she would happily go on a date if I called her and asked her out,” Moby recalled.
“I called her the next day, and we talked for thirty minutes about music and politics and growing up in the suburbs.”
Moby claimed LDR was all atwitter at his apartment the following evening, but she declined to go all the way because she’d heard about what a ladies man he is.
This is a common problem for guys like Moby and James Bond.
He wrote that he and Lana made out, but it went no further than that.
“I’d assumed that we would end up christening my new apartment with vodka and sex, he wrote. But to my surprise, this was almost nicer,” the book reads.
Well, if that isn’t the eye-roll emoji cherry on top of this pervy sundae …
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