No Mariah Carey and no tinsel – Ryan-Mark’s Guide to Avoiding a Chavvy Christmas

The Apprentice star Ryan-Mark Parsons is back with Daily Star to share his guide to avoiding a chavvy Christmas during the festive period.

As everyone gets excited for the big day, Ryan-Mark is on hand to ensure no one goes down the tacky route.

He has shared ten simple rules to be certain that your Christmas is as elegant as possible, and what Christmas traditions he thinks should go in the bin.

Ryan Mark's Guide to Avoiding A Chavvy Christmas

Christmas is nearly here… I thought I’d give celebrities a bit of a break and provide you with some Christmas joy, as I know a lot us need some cheering up after a disastrously bleak year.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the incessant Mariah Carey tracks on the radio; lights outside every house; crazed shoppers maxing out their credit cards; and, of course, the wonderfully busy Christmas markets that are dangerously reminiscent on 2019.

It’s a happy time for most people, however many of us fall into what I call the ‘chav trap’, which simply means making your Christmas intentionally or inadvertently tacky. Never fear, I’ve come to the rescue and presented a guide to be more chic and less chav this festive period.

Number one

Tinsel on the tree is an unmistakable and unforgivable sin. Firstly, if you have a plastic tree and you’re putting more plastic on top of it, you need to reevaluate your purpose in life.

There’s something about the t-word that makes me itch and my eyes burn as soon as I see it. I daren’t touch it, I’m worried I’d disintegrate. Any upmarket house would AVOID this at all costs – so you should too! Ryan-Mark Declined.

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Number two

Quality Street is a major NO in any smart house. The garish colours and odd flavours make everything problematic. Who even likes the chocolate? There’s always one person who takes the best flavours and leaves the substandard choices for everyone else. Selfish family politics.

It can lead to conflict, complications, and a messy carpet with those multicoloured wrappers. Stop at once. Get your refund at Tesco immediately!

Number three

Predictable Christmas jumpers epitomise chav. The high priest of Chav-land where’s the polyester costume at Christmas and his disciples follow him. I’m talking about the bright red, yellow, and green clashing combinations with offensive depictions of Saint Nicholas.

You can’t do it to yourself. Save your family from the misery. I recommend a classic and somewhat festive cardigan from Marks & Spencer, Boden, The White Company, and other any reputable retailer that champions Christmas minimalism and class. None of the Primark rubbish.

Number four

You must not use a gravy ‘boat’. Boats are for sailing across the French Riviera, not placed on a table dripping with supermarket gravy. Are you serious? This much change at once.

Rather, use a gravy pot and ladle, so you can gracefully pour the sauce over your plate with immense accuracy too.

No splashing involved or excessive pouring; controlled and elegant fountains of delicious homemade brown sauce dispersed evenly across your plate. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

Number five

Phones away. There’s nothing more chav-tastic than Christmas with mobile phones, or worse, around the dining table. No, no, no. As the host, it’s your moral duty to collect all electronic devices and keep them away for the entire day.

Christmas is about celebrating with family, playing games, and of course, Her Majesty’s Speech (the only screen you’re allowed to watch on this sacred day). If you catch anyone using a phone, my advice is to eject them from the house and they can enjoy their dinner on the driveway.

Number six

Games must be civilised at all times and Monopoly should always be avoided.

Charades is disgusting and vulgar. The shouting, screaming, and gesticulation makes my skin crawl. Don’t even think about it. If you want to be less of a chav in 2020, Ibble Dibble is the way forward. A very simple drinking game that requires a drink (naturally), cork, and fire (a candle flame will do if needs must).

You may remember this game from The Crown, Season 4 in which Margaret Thatcher awkwardly played at Balmoral with the Royal Family… There’s no question this has to be a highlight of your Christmas this year. Always remember the alliterative phrase, ‘Charades are for chavs’.

Number seven

NEVER. EVER. WEAR. A. PAPER. HAT. Honestly, they scream chav louder anything discussed thus far. The awful pictures I’ve seen online of friends and family brazenly adorning a paper tiara on their head with such pride made, nearly me regurgitate some of my turkey. Anything from a cracker should not be worn, full-stop.

No excuses because I’m not listening. If you have a family tiara, Christmas would be a good time to wear it, especially when you’re entertaining guests you don’t see all the time. However, anything paper should not go anywhere near your head, and thrown into the fire instantaneously.

Number eight

If you’ve been invited by a host for supper or a drinks party, ensure you arrive with a bottle of wine, and if you’re being desperate, chocolates or flowers are also mildly permissible. I urge you to avoid bringing any other kind of gift, we once had socks from a guest. Yes, you read correctly (we’ve since erased their contact).

It’s just as important to get the right kind of wine, for example, if you expect a Christmas inspired menu, Pinot Noir would be perfect; or if you know the host prefers another type of wine, get that. Random and cheap gifts are chavvy and disgusting.

Number nine

The luxury ambience you create on Christmas Day is vital to avoid becoming a chav, anything raucous or distasteful will count against you whilst in purgatory.

The ambience is often derived from your music choices, so I suggest carefully putting a playlist together of instrumental Christmas tracks that exude sophistication.

I’m afraid, Mariah’s high notes during your lunch cannot be allowed, perhaps during the evening, but never before the Queen’s Speech.

My advice, pop tunes with a classical twist, that way you can appeal to eardrums of the masses and still keep that touch of civilisation that you must hold onto at all times. Quite simple, really.

Number ten

Finally, stocking presents are essential to anyone’s Christmas. Usually, they’re filled with sweets, gifts you’ll never use again, cosmetics and all kinds of crap I lose after one week.

Therefore, we must look to improve upon our choices for the sacrosanct stocking, making sure we find gifts that are useful and certainly not chavvy.

My first recommendation would be a skincare brand, Clinique or La Mer are always good choices, just pop over to Harrods and buy one of their smallest moisturisers for around £70 and feel happy that you’ve made a purchase that will put a smile on anyone’s face. If you’re avoiding creams, maybe some Fortnum and Mason chocolate truffles, a small box can cost just £14 – a bargain! They’re delicious and upmarket, nothing can go wrong (just keep them away from your fire). Key is, get gifts that matter and that you’re happy to Instagram, toys from supermarkets won’t cut it!

I hope by following this guide you’ll have the most luxurious Christmas, despite 2020 being a rocky year, it doesn’t mean your Christmas has to be a calamity too. Cheers to being chav-free!

  • The Apprentice

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